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    HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE

    * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
    if itís really dead.

    * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
    a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
    went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
    inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away
    immediately.

    * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

    * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

    * If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
    they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
    other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
    grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to
    kill them, so be prepared.

    * When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
    alone.

    * As a general rule, donít solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

    * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
    tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

    * If youíre searching for something which caused a noise and find out
    that itís just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your
    life.*

    * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

    * Do not take *anything* from the dead.

    * If you find a town which looks deserted, itís probably for a reason.
    Take the hint and stay away.

    * Donít fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youíre sure you know
    what you are doing.

    * If youíre running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
    least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
    despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
    shambling along, itís still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

    * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
    such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
    hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

    * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
    listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you
    if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
    Maine.

    * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
    deserted-looking house to phone for help.

    * Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
    hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
    torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
    companions.

    * Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience,
    since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to
    be.

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