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Jokes/Interweb Things Thread, Programmer's quick guide to the languages in Fun Stuff; The PROGRAMMER's QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen ...
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    vikpaw's Avatar
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    Talking Programmer's quick guide to the languages

    The PROGRAMMER's QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES

    The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

    TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

    C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

    C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

    Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

    Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

    COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

    LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

    FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

    Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

    BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

    Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

    HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

    Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

    APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

    SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

    Unix:
    % ls
    foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
    % rm * .o
    rm:.o no such file or directory
    % ls
    %

    Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

    370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

    Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

    Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

    Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

    Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

    Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

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    Gatt's Avatar
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    Brilliant - Top 3 Favourites:

    Assembler - God I hated that language...
    LISP - Never used it but sounds a right barrel of laughs
    Pascal - Oh How true - did pascal at school - I think this is the most paranoid language available!!

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    powdarrmonkey's Avatar
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    So true. Not sure about unix though; maybe:
    You end up so frustrated after trying to make sense of the gun's man pages that you find you've spent all of your bullets on the terminal in front of you.

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    Is that... is it...
    purple and green comic sans

    Argh my eyes! they burn!!

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    vikpaw's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lightinthedark View Post
    Is that... is it...
    purple and green comic sans

    Argh my eyes! they burn!!
    Because you are not worth of beholding such elegance!
    Besides, it was the IDE, it chose the colors, not me! IT got confused with all those languages on one page. DEBUG | RECOMPILE | DEBUG | RECOMPILE ...

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    Yes... "elegance" ... Hmm...
    ban comic sans :: Putting the Sans in Comic Sans :-P


    Nice list, very amusing. Reminds me of You have two cows.* The government.... from TheCapitol.Net. YouHave2Cows.com

    Hello
    :-Dave

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    vikpaw's Avatar
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    Dude, i love comic sans, but feel strangely drawn to the idea of a "Ban Comic Sans" Hoodie.
    It's the cute comedy curves, irresistible. ..

    As for two cows, that's well funny. :O)



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