i once stole a calendar.....i got 12 months for it
A man walks into a bar ........ you'd think he'd have seen it.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot
" oh no", said an atom, "I've lost an electron!"
his friend said.... "are you positive?"
Man goes to doctors complaining of strawberries growing out of his head. The doctor says, "I've got some cream for those!"
Cow 1: I've just been artificially inseminated!
Cow 2: Are you sure?
Cow 1: Yep, Straight up, no bull.
One day, long, long ago....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or complain.
But this was a long time ago....... and it was just that one day.
Why did the Chicken cross the Möbius Strip?
to get to the other .. er ...
Guy goes to doctors due to a hearing problem
Doc looks in his ears and finds jelly and blamonge in one ear and sponge and custard in the other.
And says 'I think you're a triffle deaf'
Oh, and another from when my son was at primary school i.e. a long time ago
What shakes at the bottom of the sea?
Its a nervous wreck of course
Might just be bad enough for an xmas cracker joke
wat do you call a one eyed dinosaur?
what do you call a 3 eyed dinosaur?
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield RIP.
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