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Jokes/Interweb Things Thread, calendar in Fun Stuff; Originally Posted by ICT_GUY Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now ...
  1. #16
    SeanVin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ICT_GUY View Post
    Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
    "Suicide? Thats the last thing I'd do!"

    (Homer Simpson)

  2. #17

    mattx's Avatar
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    Two Lions walking down Oxford Street, Xmas Eve on a Saturday afternoon. One says to the other:

    'Quiet down here isn't it ?'

  3. #18

    mattx's Avatar
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    Boy walks into a bakers:

    Boy: ' One Loaf of bread please '
    Baker: ' White or Borwn ? '
    Boy: ' Thats ok, I'm on my bike. '

  4. #19


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    A woman said to me I was the worst lover she had ever had. How can you make a statement like that after just 2 minutes?

  5. #20

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    What do you call a blind deer?

    No idea.




    What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

    Still no idea!


  6. #21

    mattx's Avatar
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    What do you call a blind deer?

    No idea.




    What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

    Still no idea!
    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no testicles ?

    Still no F**king idea....

  7. #22

    EduTech's Avatar
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    what do you call a women with tiles on her head?

    ... Ruth

    and

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
    In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
    Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
    The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


  8. #23

    mattx's Avatar
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    What do you call a man with no arms or legs who can swim the channel ?

    Clever Dick.

  9. #24
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    A husband and wife are looking at a new range of c0d0m$ to living
    things up a little in their relationship, the new range is called the
    Olympic range.

    The man says to his wife "I think i will get the Gold edition"

    His wife replies, "Why not get Silver, you can come 2nd for a change!"

  10. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by mattx View Post
    Boy walks into a bakers:

    Boy: ' One Loaf of bread please '
    Baker: ' White or Borwn ? '
    Boy: ' Thats ok, I'm on my bike. '

    Probably going to regret this but, this one escapes me. Also escapes a couple of other people I've shown it to as well.

    Probably really obvious once its explained.

    Heres hoping I don't feel real stupid in a few minutes.

  11. #26
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    Two nuns driving down a road and suddenly a vampire appears, one nun says to the other

    "Get out and show him your cross"

    So the nun gets out and shouts

    "Get out the way you stupid great git"

    Last edited by acrobson; 30th June 2008 at 05:39 PM.

  12. #27

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    this bird flys into a pub and lands on the bar..
    the barman says "can i help u?" and the bird says.."got any bread?"
    the barman replies.."this is a pub..we dont serve bread" so the bird flies off..

    Ten minutes later the bird comes back. and says to the barman.."got any bread"? ..
    and the barman says " look..i told u we dont serve bread here..now fk off"..
    so the bird flies off again

    ...Ten minutes later the bird comes back and says to the barman.."got any bread?"
    and the barman says.."look i'm not telling u again.. we dont serve bread and if u ask me again i'll nail ur beak to the bar..now fk off!"
    so the bird leaves...

    ten minutes later the bird comes back and says.."got any nails?..
    and the barman says "no"..
    so the bird says "ok..got any bread?
    Last edited by Gatt; 28th June 2008 at 08:58 PM. Reason: Censored!

  13. #28

    Gatt's Avatar
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    An eskimoe's car breaks down and a welshman stop's
    to help.
    "You've a blown a seal" says the welshman.
    and the eskimo says "So what, you fk sheep!"

    -----

    An American tourist was visiting the Gaza Strip recently. He
    became lost and he had no map to guide him. He decided to ask an
    Israeli Soldier for directions.
    As the soldier was pointing the tourist in the right direction,
    he suddenly pulled out his gun and shot a Palestinian riding
    past on his bike.
    The tourist, stunned at what he had just witnessed, said,
    "What the hell did you do that for?"
    The soldier replied,
    "I did it because of the 9 o'clock curfew"
    The tourist said "But it's only 8:30!"
    "Yes" said the soldier, "But I know where he lives and he would
    never have made it home in time."

    ----

    A guy in a wheelchair appears on Stars In Their Eyes and wheels himself
    onto the stage up to Matthew Kelly
    Matthew asks "whats you're name?" and he replies "Simon"

    "do u mind if i ask how u became to be in a wheelchair?" asks Matthew and Simon replies " 2 years ago i was in a car accident with my uncle..
    unfortunately my uncle died..
    and i had to have my legs amputated..they managed to save his legs tho
    and sew them onto me.. so the doctors say i'll be able to walk again soon"

    "thats great" says Mattew "so who r u going to be tonight then?"

    Simon replies.."tonight Matthew i'm gonna be... Simon and half uncle"

    ---

    3 legionaires in the desert... one says.."hey guys..look.. thats a tree over there.."
    the other 2 say.."dont be stupid it's a mirage" and he says.."no look it's a tree..lets take a look!"
    the other 2 say.."ok.. but if u have us walking over there for nothing we aint gonna be impressed"
    As they get nearer the first guy says" hey look it's a bacon tree"
    "dont be stupid" say the other 2.. "i'm not" he replies.."look it's a bacon tree!"
    one of the others says"actually it does look like a bacon tree"..so they walk nearer...
    As they get to it 3 men jump up and shoot one of the legionaires..
    and the first guy says "oops sorry..it's not a bacon tree it's a ham bush"

    ----

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
    Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
    turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
    "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!

  14. #29

    mattx's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch TV ?

  15. #30

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    Bit of string walks into a bar.
    'pint of larger please barman'
    ' Sorry, we don't serve bits of string...'
    Next day the same piece of string walks into the same bar...
    'pint of larger please barman'
    'I told you yesterday, we don't serve bits of string'
    Bit of string a bit pi55ed off now - so he changes his appearence. He ties himself into a knot and cuts himself a bit...
    Again he walks into the bar....
    'Pint of larger please barman'
    'Are you a piece of string ? ' Asked the barman
    'Nope, I'm afraid not' came the reply.

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