[Joke] Man things!

[ZeroHour]

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ....... However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

25. THREE BILLION CANDLEPOWER TORCH - Just to light the garden shed

26. SAWING WOOD - for when you want to feel like your dad

27. OWNING A TOOLBOX - Even if you don't know how to use half of it

28. Getting things off the top shelf WITHOUT using a ladder or stool! Your height makes you a REAL man.

[Domino]

The Tao according to ZH.....

[Ryan]

I get sooo much hassle for taking reading material to the loo. I do all my best reading and thinking in there (like most blokes)

[antoeknee]

Really liked 17.

15 really brought back memories of my youth. Use to work in a roast chicken place and we had a running competition to see who could get away with saying 'do you want stuffing?' in the most sugestive manner.

[rhyds]

Number 5 all the way, as I was the only lad in our student house with a car I was the head of the tip run, a quick spin to Wrexham industrial estate, just down the road from demon tweeks...

[antoeknee]

Ahh,Demon Tweeks I use to spend quote a bit of money there in my youth.

Cars were easy to modify back then, high lift cam, gas flowed head etc. and wide wheels with low profile tyres (compared to todays tyres they wouldn't look very low profile) usually Yokohamas.

To finish everything a massive pair of Cibie Super Oscars bolted on the front. Turned night into day.

Better stop now or I'll start recounting the price of petrol and beer!!!

[elsiegee40]

Like 'em ZH, but can't see one about

THREE BILLION CANDLEPOWER TORCH - needed to show other men that you can brighten the entire town

[Domino]

SAWING WOOD - for when you want to feel like your dad

[ZeroHour]

Added them both (yours with a tweak elsie )

[rhyds]

OWNING A TOOLBOX - Even if you don't know how to use half of it

[Friez]

Getting things off the top shelf WITHOUT using a ladder or stool! Your height makes you a REAL man.

[localzuk]

I'll just sit back and wait until some of our female members arrive...

[elsiegee40]

I'll just sit back and wait until some of our female members arrive...

Think you'll find one of them arrived some time ago!

I'm always being asked to get things off the top shelf... but I'm definitely not a real MAN - just a 5'11" woman!

[Ryan]

just a 5'11" woman!

?



*runs for the hills*

[elsiegee40]

Wishful thinking!