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  1. #31

    HarryMonkey's Avatar
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    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

  2. #32


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    I got into an argument with some idiot before.. All he could do was use circular logic.
    In the end, it was all a bit pointless.

  3. #33


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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmer3568 View Post
    What's Bob Marley's favourite donut?
    Wi' Jammin.
    on a related note

    this printers got bob marley disease
    it wont stop jammin

  4. #34

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    Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
    To get to the other..... Oh, err... wait a minute....

  5. #35

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    I heard this the other night on Mock the week. Made me laugh. Its a play on words so may not work when written down but here goes.


    When women go to the toilet in pairs no one bats an eyelid

    When I do it I get thrown out of the Grocery Store.

  6. #36

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    I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hi, How Are You?" Embaressed I said "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!" He said "Can I come Over?". Annoyed I said "Rather busy right now!" The voice said "Listen I'm going to have to call you back there's a weirdo answering all my questions".

  7. #37

    sonofsanta's Avatar
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    ITT: lots of Tim Vine jokes. On which note...

    A man passed me a wheel of cheese and asked if I could disguise his horse with it. I said, "I don't think so, but I could probably marscapone."

    A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins on the M1 today. It was a turtle disaster.

    What's grey and can't swim? A filing cabinet.

    Two fish in a tank. One says "You drive, I'll get the gun."

    Two monkeys in a bath. One says "ooh ooh aah aah!" The other says, "Well put some cold in then."

  8. #38
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    Why did the chav cross the road?

    To start on the chicken for no reason

  9. #39
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    As I was getting into my car this bloke said to me "Can you give me a lift?"
    I said "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster - go for it!"

  10. #40

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    Knock knock...
    Who's there?
    Ya...
    Ya who?
    Sorry, I prefer Google.....

  11. #41

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    Someone rang the doorbell
    few minutes later my son came in saying "dad theres a man at the door with a bald head"
    I said "tell him i'm not interested, i've already got one"

  12. #42

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    Years ago, I used to run LAN parties. It was a running joke that every time someone asked for a hand (to bring their computer in), they got a round of applause.

  13. #43

    sonofsanta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fleetwood View Post
    As I was getting into my car this bloke said to me "Can you give me a lift?"
    I said "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster - go for it!"
    Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...

  14. #44

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    Quote Originally Posted by sonofsanta View Post
    Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...
    A mate of mine used to chat up any door that had the word "Pull" on it.

  15. #45


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    Quote Originally Posted by sonofsanta View Post
    Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...
    You monster.

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