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General Chat Thread, Valentines Day potential Disaster in General; It's not really something we "celebrate" as such. I tend to go for a card and a small token gift ...
  1. #16

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    It's not really something we "celebrate" as such. I tend to go for a card and a small token gift but nothing over the top.

    This year though, I'm taking the wife away for the night to Worcester.......however we are taking the baby and step daughter as step daughter has a cheerleading competition on the Saturday.

  2. #17

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    Quote Originally Posted by Iain.Faulkner View Post
    It's not really something we "celebrate" as such. I tend to go for a card and a small token gift but nothing over the top.

    This year though, I'm taking the wife away for the night to Worcester.......however we are taking the baby and step daughter as step daughter has a cheerleading competition on the Saturday.
    Bring your boat then! The river in the centre of Worcester is at it's highest level at the moment.

  3. #18


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    LeBoyfriend and I were discussing our V-day plans and mutually agreed that going out for dinner was an expense (and calories) we couldn't afford so resolved to stay in and cook something nice then on Friday his father was rushed to hospital. By Saturday lunchtime he was dead. So I'm pretty sure my shell shocked Boyfriend won't even remember what day it is. Not that I mind over much. I just feel very very lonely - it's like my boyfriend isn't even here. Sharing a bed with me seems to irritate him and he keeps telling me to go and be elsewhere in the house - I have to get dressed in another room and creep about the house like I'm not even there. So V-day for us this year is going to be worse than usual. He's taken his fathers death extraordinarily badly and he's isolating himself from everyone. I'm one annoyed huff from moving into the guest room.

  4. #19


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    My condolences to you both, and I'm sorry it's hit him so hard.
    All I can suggest from similar situations of my own is stick with it, give him time, be patient. He'll open up when he feels capable of doing so. Assuming that he wasn't so distant before this and you weren't already feeling lonely, there's no reason to suggest you can't get back on track once he starts to grieve and come to terms with it.

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    AMLightfoot (13th February 2014)

  6. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by AMLightfoot View Post
    LeBoyfriend and I were discussing our V-day plans and mutually agreed that going out for dinner was an expense (and calories) we couldn't afford so resolved to stay in and cook something nice then on Friday his father was rushed to hospital. By Saturday lunchtime he was dead. So I'm pretty sure my shell shocked Boyfriend won't even remember what day it is. Not that I mind over much. I just feel very very lonely - it's like my boyfriend isn't even here. Sharing a bed with me seems to irritate him and he keeps telling me to go and be elsewhere in the house - I have to get dressed in another room and creep about the house like I'm not even there. So V-day for us this year is going to be worse than usual. He's taken his fathers death extraordinarily badly and he's isolating himself from everyone. I'm one annoyed huff from moving into the guest room.
    Stay strong, times will be tough, I'm sure he's trying to cope. I do the same, when something hits me hard I completely block out my girlfriend (of 4 years). She's used to it now I think, keep being supportive and when the day comes he will leap into your arms

    Sorry your V-Day won't go well

  7. Thanks to Bradlys from:

    AMLightfoot (13th February 2014)

  8. #21


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    Quote Originally Posted by Garacesh View Post
    My condolences to you both, and I'm sorry it's hit him so hard.
    All I can suggest from similar situations of my own is stick with it, give him time, be patient. He'll open up when he feels capable of doing so. Assuming that he wasn't so distant before this and you weren't already feeling lonely, there's no reason to suggest you can't get back on track once he starts to grieve and come to terms with it.
    No things were fine. We were trying for a baby. Funnily enough I just got a text from him apologizing for snapping at me this morning and for being so grumpy. I don't think it helps that the Coroner decided he wasn't happy with the circumstances of FIL's death so did an autopsy and discovered that he was riddled with tumors so he wants to hold an inquest to find out why it was missed when FIL was having regular X-rays and blood tests because of his asbestosis. It's all turning into a bit of a nightmare because I really think there is some negligence involved - FIL was having trouble eating back in November - he couldn't swallow, and the doctors just kept giving him antibiotics but nothing was helping and he wasn't eating. When he died he made concentration camp survivors look well fed - he was literally a walking Skeleton it was horrifying. I think they should have admitted him last year and put a nasogastric tube down so he could have been fed through the tube. What killed him was that the infections overwhelmed his system because he was too malnourished to fight it and it turned into pneumonia. Although the coroner has said COD was inconclusive. I keep thinking it's all been a big misunderstanding and they'll discover that he didn't die at all (which of course is ridiculous I know). The whole thing is so stressful.

    LeBoyfriend has taken it very very badly and I'm doing my best to support him and his family through this difficult time but he is actively pushing us all away. I know he needs space to grieve but it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle in that he pushes us all away to magnify his own feelings of grief and loneliness and guilt, then because he feels so terrible he pushes us further away. He needs to break the cycle on his own but he won't - it's almost like he's deliberately destroying himself.

    Sorry for unloading on here. I didn't mean to. It's just nice to be able to say some of the things I'm having to keep to myself.
    Last edited by AMLightfoot; 13th February 2014 at 10:42 AM.

  9. #22

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    Sorry to hear this but I understand LeBoyfriend's behaviour completely. I do the same - when my mum died mrwITch tried to comfort me but every time he hugged me I would pull away, take a deep breath and stop crying, and then leave the room.
    It is hard on you, I know, but you will just have to wait -he is probably still in shock anyway. You could write him a note and leave it where he will find it when you are not there - it might help.
    Does he have any siblings you could talk to? He might want to talk to them - reminiscing is a good way of coming to terms with these things

  10. Thanks to witch from:

    AMLightfoot (13th February 2014)

  11. #23
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    I hate to be personal on a forum like this but when I was 15 I had to say goodbye to my first crush on Valentines day because they were moving to a different country. Felt awkward at the time and I've never really been a fan of valentines day.

  12. #24


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    Quote Originally Posted by witch View Post
    Sorry to hear this but I understand LeBoyfriend's behaviour completely. I do the same - when my mum died mrwITch tried to comfort me but every time he hugged me I would pull away, take a deep breath and stop crying, and then leave the room.
    It is hard on you, I know, but you will just have to wait -he is probably still in shock anyway. You could write him a note and leave it where he will find it when you are not there - it might help.
    Does he have any siblings you could talk to? He might want to talk to them - reminiscing is a good way of coming to terms with these things
    Yes, his older brother (surprisingly) is taking it reasonably well. BIL has always been the least strong of the two brothers. LeBoyfriend has always been the one that has been there for his mum and dad when they needed him. It was such a harrowing experience though - I was with them all at the hospital and we watched FIL die - it was horrible but I don't feel as though I have any right to be upset or affected. My own family have been very supportive and my parents and sister came round and stayed with me while LeBoyfriend was staying with his mum for the first couple of days. I've spoken to BIL and MIL and they are both as helpless as I am to help LeBoyfriend. MIL is bearing up well under the circumstances but even she can't reach him. The situation with the coroner REALLY hasn't helped at all - it's just made him worse because now he's angry at the doctors on top of all that grief. His company employ a cognitive behavioural therapist and he's reached out to him for support and has been referred to a company-funded counselling service (which is brilliant - I was so relieved to hear that he'd asked for help when I got home yesterday), I guess I just feel a bit useless when he'd rather see someone else than share the burden with his life partner because I can't do anything for him. It's very hard to watch from my position at arms length.

  13. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by Danp View Post
    Yes, it's my daughter's birthday
    Quote Originally Posted by ButterflyMoon View Post
    It is my granny's birthday too so yes I care about this day too lol
    Quote Originally Posted by Greenbeast View Post
    it's my birthday too, so yes I care
    I'll join the club of the people who have their birthday on the next worst day to Christmas. I am cooking my own 50th birthday dinner tomorrow because going out on the day is always too expensive with a limited menu and very pink!

    Mr gee40 and I exchange cards for Valentine's Day and celebrate my birthday on the nearest weekend.

  14. #26

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    Well I'm taking the mrs out to a posh hotel as it is an excuse for her to get dressed up!

  15. #27


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    Quote Originally Posted by AMLightfoot View Post
    LeBoyfriend has taken it very very badly and I'm doing my best to support him and his family through this difficult time but he is actively pushing us all away. I know he needs space to grieve but it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle in that he pushes us all away to magnify his own feelings of grief and loneliness and guilt, then because he feels so terrible he pushes us further away. He needs to break the cycle on his own but he won't - it's almost like he's deliberately destroying himself.
    I'm not going to lie to you, because that would be unfair to you. That's exactly what he's doing - but that's oddly enough what guys often need. I know it was certainly the case with me after a loss. We feed ourselves full of guilt and regret, blaming ourselves, constantly revisiting every scenario, going over what we could have done, should have done or shouldn't have done. It destroys us. It's hell. But it gets better.
    I find, personally, it's only once I've broken myself down to the brink that I can begin to rebuild myself to how I need to be. Maybe your boyfriend's the same.

    Quote Originally Posted by witch View Post
    You could write him a note and leave it where he will find it when you are not there - it might help.
    That is actually a brilliant idea.

  16. Thanks to Garacesh from:

    AMLightfoot (13th February 2014)

  17. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by AMLightfoot View Post
    I guess I just feel a bit useless when he'd rather see someone else than share the burden with his life partner because I can't do anything for him. It's very hard to watch from my position at arms length.
    Quote Originally Posted by Garacesh View Post
    I'm not going to lie to you, because that would be unfair to you. That's exactly what he's doing - but that's oddly enough what guys often need. I know it was certainly the case with me after a loss. We feed ourselves full of guilt and regret, blaming ourselves, constantly revisiting every scenario, going over what we could have done, should have done or shouldn't have done. It destroys us. It's hell. But it gets better.
    I find, personally, it's only once I've broken myself down to the brink that I can begin to rebuild myself to how I need to be. Maybe your boyfriend's the same.
    Nobody can tell you exactly what's happening here but I have to agree with @Garacesh here as I'm another one who has to break myself down completely before I can build back up again.

    When my Grandad died, I was destroyed. He was a father figure to me growing up and was always the one I'd turn to when I was in trouble. He never judged me, just supported me. We were very close. We found out about a year before he passed that he had cancer. He spent the last two weeks of his life in a hospice and I spent every day with him, including his last.

    Over the course of those two weeks, plus about 4 weeks following, I fell in to a deep depression that was not at all helped by the fact I had taken up drinking in a big way. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt worthless, and I made myself such by being in a constant state of numbness, confusion and drunken stupor.

    But there is a silver lining - my girlfriend (who I had already been with for about 4 years at the time) stuck by me through it, despite me trying to push her away. I felt worthless, convinced myself as such and so had it in my mind she was better off without me. Rather than tell her that, which would have given her the opportunity to tell me otherwise, I pushed her away so that it's be her choice to leave, thus "proving" she didn't really love me after all and that I was as worthless as I thought I was. But, she stuck around anyway.

    I can't remember exactly what triggered it, but eventually it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was destroying my life and that there was no way my grandad would have wanted that. I stopped drinking, apologised to everyone I had pushed away, and started to figure out my issues (I did this on my own but not because I'm afraid to seek help, just because it's not the first time I've been like that so have developed coping mechanisms over the years).

    I suppose what I'm trying to do here by revealing all this is to tell you that LeBF is probably feeling some similar emotions right now. I think it's how a lot of men work; when we feel vulnerable, we become stones. Hang in there though, he will get better and he'll love you all the more for having stood by his side in spite of all this. It will get better

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  19. #29
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    I'm just gonna buy myself a takeaway cury and a few beers in. Very low risk of dissapointment with that plan..

  20. #30

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    What about this?

    Valentines Day potential Disaster-qg9lfdi.jpg

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