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Snowfall closes Britain

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by , 3rd February 2009 at 09:58 AM (2539 Views)
Reportedly the coldest weather to hit the Great British Isles in donkey’s years, the country was brought to a stand-still due to adverse conditions. The cold weather front was sent from Russia with love, presumably because they felt sorry for us with the continuing economic crisis we’re facing, and wanted to give us something else to whinge about.

What I’m talking about readers, is snow. A fellow associate describes this English phenomenon as, "that thing the weather does where rain gets frozen". A fiendishly accurate attempt at science I must admit.

In the Northern parts of the country, several inches of snow had fallen during the night between Sunday evening and Monday morning. Schoolchildren and adults alike awoke with excitement with the prospect of building snowpeople and riding HSE-approved sledges down hills of no more than 10 degree gradients. The public were warned that police were carrying out extra patrols to ensure correct usage of snow enjoyment equipment.

Chantelle Osborne-Royd, 24-year-old mother of seven from Middlesbrough said, "I cannet wait to get me sledge out like, I love the snow. The kids are all at big school like and they aint closed thank god – gives me plenty time to mess about before me community service."

Several minor collisions occurred on the A19 during rush-hour this Monday morning, but reports say the weather was not a contributing factor in any of the cases.

South of Yorkshire, however, was a completely different story. In the capital, it is reported that several flakes of snow had fallen somewhere on the ground. Chaos quickly ensued as London was taken completely by surprise by the “heavy” downfall, affecting all aspects of city life for residents and commuters alike.

Buses were forced off the road because of the high chance of getting snow on the tyres. Transport for London also encountered problems on the Underground when early-morning passengers unwittingly brought microscopic amounts of snow onto the platforms via their shoes. For no reason at all, every underground station was immediately closed. The knock-on effect was unimaginable - something nobody would have thought possible. No one was able to get to work.

In a statement from TfL, Iona Ford said they regretted having to withdraw all methods of transport to the public, but made it clear that this sort of weather condition hardly ever happens so are unable to plan adequately.

Buses and trains weren’t the only methods of transport affected by the unprecedented levels of snow. An aeroplane due to take off from Heathrow skidded across the runway shortly after one of its tyres travelled over a snowflake. It burst out of the boundary fences at speed, completely destroying the Sipson residential area. Many passengers were injured in the ordeal, with some eyewitnesses describing the incident as “catastrophic”, and “the worst airplane disaster in the history of mankind.”

It was thought that the education of thousands of schoolchildren would also be badly affected by the snow, as most teachers did not turn up for work. A teachers' union spokesperson commented, "Teachers have the right not to go to work - they simply don't get paid enough to attempt to travel to work in these conditions. We are making good progress towards giving each teacher a 4x4 to help in these circumstances." All was not lost, however, as cover supervisors and teaching assistants rallied together to deliver lessons which have been hailed by some parents and students as, "the best lessons yet."

It remains to be seen if the country will be open for business as usual tomorrow with another 1 millimetre of snow predicted to fall during the night.


  1. GrumbleDook's Avatar
    I am not too bothered by the snow ... I am happy to drive in it even though I am in a SMART which weighs 3.4 oz and it did a good job of sliding about yesterday.

    My problem is that although I drop my speed by 25% min and increase my stopping distance by at least a factor of 5 ... other idiots (the aforementioned teachers in 4x4s perhaps and definitely the ed sales reps speeding up and down the country trying to find a BSF LA to pitch too) ... the simply don't.

    My wife was sorry to hear this morning that the local school (walking distance) is closed but her one isn't ... even though her school isn't on a gritted road, has mobiles that get flippin' cold and has students that put stones in snowballs to try and do the most damage.
  2. webman's Avatar
    Yeah. There seems to be a handful of sensible road users (such as yourself) who can adjust their driving for the conditions; but others just seem to completely ignore it and think about only themselves. And then wonder why they skid sideways into a lorry/lamppost/wall...

    Thankfully I walk to work. The worst that can happen is the bottom of my trousers get wet from all the slush...
  3. ZeroHour's Avatar
    Or one of those drivers slides onto the pavement your using


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